Hiking Through The Hard Times

Things haven't been going that easy for Jensen and me. We fight a lot. Sometimes we fight because one of us is tired, or because of money, or sex, or whatever comes up. For lots of reasons, our marriage has been hard.

He had PTSD and wanted to be alone all the time or exhibited a lot of anger. I had depression and was facing major loss when my mom got cancer and died. I didn't handle it well, and my symptoms lasted for multiple years, so did his.

The one thing we do right, though, is we are best friends. We take regular walks together and hang out alot. We laugh alot, and genuinely enjoy the other's company. The other stuff, we decided, we need to work on. At least we have the friendship part down. So many other marriages, the ones I hear about anyway, aren't sitting on a strong friendship foundation. They actually don't like each other. They tolerate each other.

That seems weird to me. I could never agree to live with someone forever that I just don't like having around.

Saturday, we got in a huge fight. A really bad one, that came out of nowhere. Jensen was exhausted since he's had pretty gnarly depression lately and he's also retraining himself to sleep at a new time because of his job, and all of that manifests as anger. We were hanging out in our living room, and then suddenly he was mad, and yelling at me, and saying all sorts of awful things, while I tried to deflect his anger in my confusion, and then he stormed to his office upstairs and shut the door. I was essentially left in the wake of the aftermath with the sense of shock. What the HELL had just happened?

I didn't understand most of it, but that happens sometimes. One person is upset, while the other thinks everything is fine. Relationship are HARD, people. And I'm just as guilty as he is for losing my temper and unleashing the fury on him out of nowhere.

So, he went to bed (because he clearly needed sleep), and I went for a sunset walk, and then watched some Netflix before passing out on the couch and then later heading up to bed sometime around 2 am.

When 7 am rolled around, both of our alarms went off. We had set up a date the day before to go hiking early in the morning. It's been almost 100 degrees everyday, so if you want to do anything outside, you have to go and be back before 10 am. I've been craving some wilderness time and finally convinced him to go with me. He doesn't love wilderness stuff anymore because of all his military duty. So when he agrees to go, I get really excited. I get so much energy from being surrounded by green!

I fully expected him to bail on me because of the night before, and I was prepared to go alone. But, when I rolled over after turning off my alarm, he was there with eyes open, and ready to get out of bed to go hiking.

We got ready to go in good spirits, but, on the way up, I was a little anxious because of last night's events. He could tell and it triggered another fight. My anxiety and depression was really hard for him to handle, and he did a great job, but when it comes back now and then, he gets upset because he's exhausted from dealing with all of my problems, and now he has his own. I get it. I'm exhausted from dealing with mine, so I'm not that patient with his depression. The reality is, we both just need a break. We need a long period of fun, good health and success. All we've had for the past 4 years are poor health, and lots of failed attempts at success.

We finally got into the mouth of the canyon, and immediately, my mood improved. I've been in that canyon hundreds of times, but I've never seen it at 8 am. The golden haze of sunrise shone across the mountainsides covered in various types of conifer and deciduous trees. Everything was washed in gold, and the mountains almost appeared to be singing to us. There was virtually no one on the road, which is usually a heavy traffic area. The canyon is full of parks that always have people in them, way too many people, these days. It's so rare to have a totally peaceful experience if you go during normal daytime hours.



Lucky for us, Sunday mornings at 8am are not a time most people want to be out and about.

We turned off to go up the narrow road that cut through a side canyon, and except for a few hardcore cyclists, the road was ours. We rolled down the windows and the crisp, cool mountain air hit our faces and washed away our fight almost instantly.

When we pulled up to the parking lot, the residual effects of my anxiety peaking earlier finally hit. I had to use the bathroom badly, and I didn't have to pee. I ran to the park bathroom (which is essentially a dirty public bathroom with no running water, and toilet seats secured over large holes in the ground.

I looked around... there was not a scrap of paper anywhere in the place. Just cardboard rolls where toilet paper was installed at the beginning of the summer season when the bathrooms are serviced and unlocked. I didn't want to cause any more drama, or trigger the loose cannon that is currently my husband during his depression, and I REALLY didn't want to not be able to hike the trail right then, so... I did what any respectable adult would do. I made do with what I had.

I grabbed one of the empty cardboard rolls, and (this is going to be awful) SHOOK OFF THE BUGS. Then, I reached behind me and wiped my ass with it. This is the stuff that non-anxious, strong, determined, tough women do right? It's actually horrifying to think about.

Then, I left the bathroom (the sink wasn't working, so I couldn't wash my hands), and we left on our hike. As soon as you start the trail, you are surrounded by the lush canopy of the forest, and a creek darts back and forth across the trail with little make shift bridges here and there. Some man made, some placed after a tree fell. It's serene, quiet, and all you can hear is the gentle trickle of the creek, the rustling of the greenery, and the birds and bugs making their sounds.


Sometimes we walked in silence, sometimes we chatted about the surroundings or about goals we have, but the one thing we didn't do was argue. Suddenly, we were excited and happy, and peaceful. Halfway through the 2 mile walk, I mentioned the ridiculousness of the bathroom escapade. He was grossed out and laughing, and I even shared the awesome fact that halfway through our hike, my butt had started chaffing. I wasn't sure what lovely germ, fungus, or poison I'd contracted by wiping with an old dirty toilet paper roll, but together we laughed, and made jokes about various diseases, or poison oak, infesting my butt. My favorite idea was that I'd somehow contracted the only form of wild AIDS. The kind that isn't transmitted sexually, but only survives in the exact conditions of that nasty park outhouse. Lucky me!

After the beautiful hike in the cool mountain air, we were feeling alive. Something that hasn't been a part of our lives much in a long time. When you both get depression at the same time, that's not a common feeling anymore. Nothing feels as joyful as it used to, and the days tend to drag on with aimlessness.

After we got out of the canyon, we decided to head to our favorite dive brunch diner. Over eggs and hash browns, we talked about fun things we'd done, and fun things we wanted to do. Then, we headed home to have a lazy Sunday afternoon since the summer heat had kicked on full blast.

The amazing healing properties of the wilderness had calmed us both down, and made us feel hopeful. We were able to chat seriously about hard things without fighting, and both realized we still had a lot of progress to make, personally and together.

Marriage is really hard sometimes, and there are situations you can get in, that you never expect to be in. Life can fall apart over and over again, while you barely cling to the remnants of the excitement that got you to the altar in the first place. But, if you're willing to keep trying, now and then the light comes pouring in quickly and fiercely and you end up walking hand in hand down a mountain trail when you were at each other's throats the night before.



That's true love. A love I didn't think I'd ever experience. A love I'm eternally grateful for, even with all it's challenges.